a reality float

A Reality Float

This weekend I was at salsa bar in Portland. I escaped from a twirling-wonderland on the dance floor for a brief re-hydration break.

The bartender gave me the acknowledgement nod.

Me: “Agua, por fa.”

Bartender: *Weird look*

Me: “I’m sorry…. WATER, please.”

Bartender: “In a glass?”

Me: “Agua Pura, en botella.”

Bartender: “WHAT?” *disturbed now by the amount of time I was taking*

Me: “I’m sorry! Water…purified…I can’t remember what’s it’s called!”

Bartender: “In a bottle?” *raising an eyebrow in an expression that added “you freak” onto the end of his otherwise polite question*

Me: “YES! Thank you!” I gasped.

Yes. Assimilation back into American culture is on my thoughts today. If you follow this journal, you probably know that I had a lot of pre-conceived ideas about what I’d feel and think upon re-entry into this society. Well, big surprise, almost everything has turned out to be contrary to my expectations. Of course I should have known better. For anytime I think I can advance on the chess-board-of-Expectation, Life has a way of slyly making some totally unforeseen move, forcing me to toss my previously successful strategy out the window ranting “you are good for nothing!”, where upon Life confidently and mockingly proclaims “checkmate.” So after successfully adapting to “home” for one month, I’ve taken some time to reflect on a few of those self-created myths regarding my re-integration into American reality that are currently fertilizing the flowerbed outside my mental window.

Myth #1: That bouts of depression and sadness would be unavoidable and that I would constantly talk about the past year and feel frustration in being unable to covey concepts that only existed in a Central American reality.

Contrary to what I expected, I have NOT yet had a single urge to break down crying in the shower in desperation of my discontinued adventures in Central America. Neither have I had the urge to pull out my hair and run screaming to the nearest airport to purchase a ticket to Anywhere, Buthere. In fact, I am totally and completely content.

Now as I had correctly guessed, the year abroad HAS taken on a dream-like quality. Of course the capital-case BUT comes before the fact that it is a dream I remember with VIVID clarity and with lasting impact. It’s almost as if the year was filled with SO many adventures and comical moments, that I actually NEEDED this downtime in order to fully relive, re-appreciate and LAUGH over the delight they were really responsible for. Have you ever caught a stranger on the street alone, and grinning or laughing hysterically to his or herself? Well that person is me. I now regularly find myself during moments of reflective solitude (on my runs, while in my car alone, laying in bed in the morning, etc) suddenly breaking out in mad fits of laughter. So not only am I not sad, but the memories only continue to entertain and delight.

Also, in direct contradiction to my prior assumption that I would have an impossible time relating my experiences to people at home, I have found that friends and family actually DO want to hear my stories, and are VERY patient and genuine in their interest in understanding my experiences. Of course, ironically, once I got here, I didn’t really feel like talking about my experiences any more. Instead I found myself totally content with full ownership on the patents of those memories, and even so much as treasured them, just for BEING my own.

So here I am – happy. A state of being that I’m beginning to suspect is nothing but a permanent trait of my character. I give Genetics the Grammy for this overly optimistic disposition of mine knowing that my own name will probably get a mention somewhere in the thank-you speech. The only down-flaw with what I call my “prozac-perspective” is that I can’t seem to give an objective opinion on my experiences:

“What did you think of Guatemala?”

“I LOVED it!”

“What did you think of the chicken busses?”

“There were GREAT!”

“How did you like working in the dump?”

“It was AWESOME.”

Sometimes, when asked for an opinion, I neglect to realize that SOME people don’t LIKE countries with especially high crime rates. That some people don’t see rides on overcrowded and dangerous busses as adventurous. That some people aren’t comfortable working in a community filled with dangerous fumes, diseases, and gangs. Which is why when I’m asked for opinions or advice, I most often find myself simply handing over my tattered and torn Lonely Planet Guidebook.

Probably the most important falsity of the myth is that I don’t feel any immediate inclination to return to the places where all those fond memories were born. Although that time and those experiences have influenced my character development significantly and irreversibly, I am cheerfully satisfied with my performance in that Guatemalan play and find myself ready and eager to move on to my next set.

Myth #2: That the joys of new passions discovered in Central America would be nontransferable to my life in America.

As evident by the opening quotes, Central America has left ample evidence of her lasting influence on my life. Suddenly I find Spanish everywhere! It’s in the aisles in supermarkets, over loudspeakers in airports, in bookstores and magazines, on multiple television channels and certainly in conversations around every corner. This weekend alone, I had at least six conversations in Spanish with different individuals from Guatemala, Salvador and Columbia. And it’s not that I seek these people out now – no, they were always there. It’s that my eyes and ears have just been opened to awareness of their presence. Yesterday, I even attended (and was severely humbled) at an all-day Salsa workshop in Portland. And my wonderful and dear father makes sure there is an endless supply of both avocados AND mangos in the kitchen solely to appease the unrelenting appetite for these treats that I acquired in Guatemala. Unbeknownst to me, all my favorite things about Central America had smuggled themselves into my baggage looking for a little adventure abroad of their own. How silly was I to think that those newfound passions would be deterred by a four-hour flight!

Myth #3: That I would feel unchanged.

Although totally happy, nothing could have prepared me for how DIFFERENT I feel.

A year of absence from American social influences has proved enlightening, if not a bit disturbing. Suddenly I feel bombarded with pressures and demographic norms and numbers and rules as to how to live my life.

I should get married before I’m 30? I should commit to each career for 2 years before considering a change? I should have started saving for my retirement when I was in my early 20’s? I need to go to grad school? It’s best to have children when I’m young? I’m wasting money by renting instead of investing in a house? 2 weeks of vacation from work each year is enough?

Now laid before me — in a light that only a year abroad could have shed — I can see the absolutely overwhelming influences of this American society. Twenty-five years of age here directly translates to twenty five years of demanding instruction by school, family, bosses, church, magazines, doctors, friends, movies, parents, teachers, co-workers and books on what exactly it takes to be happy in life. AS WELL as the guidelines to the who’s, what’s, when’s and where’s of attaining that happiness. And although Society has some serious muscle, I certainly was never force-fed. I would say it took more of an innocent and playful “putt-putting” plane approach, coming in for such a happy landing, that I didn’t even know it was mashed peas I was being served. I’ve never considered myself particularly susceptible to societal notions of “ideal”, but I am forced to admit that this atmosphere makes me squirm. Society keeps on feedin’ and I know I no longer have any obligation to eat it. I have put my spoon down, but regardless, I am uncomfortable at this dinner table. When faced with those tiers of expectation, how can anyone feel less than a failiure? No one can live THAT life. I will happily raise my hand and declare myself defunct from that ideal right now.

So here I am. I have absolutely no desire to let any type of precious metal near the fourth finger on my left hand like 95% of my friends. And I do NOT want an American flag sticker on my car. Fancy cars hold absolutely no wow-power for me and I could care less which big shot law firm the guy sitting next to me at the bar works for. I’m in the moonless-dark when it comes to the dinner discussion lingo pertaining to house down payments, wedding registries and Italian shoes. And two weeks of vacation from work a year will never be enough.

Being age 25 in the States, and being 25 on the road, are two totally different things. On the road, I am young. In America, I am “of age to start accepting certain responsibilities.” On the road I am free of commitments. In America, without a commitment to a career or significant other, I am “not preparing for my future.” On the road, I am chasing down my dreams. In America, I appear to be “running away from responsibility.” On the road, I am opening multiple doors to new worlds of opportunity. In America, I am closing doors and “passing up opportunities that I can only take advantage of while I’m young.”

And on the road, I am surrounded by others who share my excitement for the pursuit of something different. On the road, we’re all alone, all “in between” careers, all out of our element, and all vacationing from influence. And I’m learning that as wonderful as being “independent” and “alone” and “different” are, there is still something very special about having a community of people who share your same tastes at the dining table of life.

And above all else, on “the road”, the person I agree with, the person I AM, the 25-year old that I am comfortable BEING — feels at home. There, is my table.

Of course, I had to come here again to so clearly recognize that difference.

I feel as if I’m not so much “caught” but “floating” between realities. I understand this American one, know all the rules and can play the game, and even enjoy it (after all, it wasn’t so long ago that I took it quite seriously). And as long as I learn to “play” only for the sake of “playing” (and not “winning” — whatever prize that would be) — it can be quite fun. I take my turns and watch peacefully as others take theirs but I have no real interest in this pursuit. It’s not my game. My pursuit, my “place” is not here — not now anyway. As for what reality I’m floating TO, I’m not sure, and THAT, I admit, is a bit scary. But I do know I’m more comfortable with “the float” than I am at the dinner table discussing color schemes for wedding napkins. MY place is being set at a dinner table somewhere else, amongst unknown friends, in unknown lands — where mashed peas are not on the menu. And in this transitional period, I know that place will await me patiently. As I, smiling and squirming just a little bit in my seat, continue to await my path to that table.

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“SSR” — Saint Seeking Revelers

“SSR” — Saint Seeking Revelers

Name:

San Simon

Aliases/Nicknames:

Maximon, Ry Laj Man, Judas Iscariot, Pedro de Alvarado, Rij Laj

Ethnicity:

Mayan with Spanish Influences

Height:

Your Average Life Sized Doll

Weight:

About 50 lbs (hard as wood), hollow inside…but certainly not shallow.

Eye Color:

Painted Brown & Sporting Only the Finest in Eye-wear

Age:

Over-The-Hill (and then a few centuries)

Occupation/Professions:

Revered Deity, Soul Cleanser, Alcohol Resale, Model ( 3 Quetzales per viewing, 5 Quetzales per picture)

Religion:

Combination of Mayan God and Catholic Saints

Residence:

Zunil, San Andres, Santiago Atitlan & Throughout the Guatemalan Highlands. Within each village, makes a pilgrimage to a new house every year on November 1st.

Relationship Status:

Currently in relationship with this year’s “cofradias” (town elders). Seeking replacements as of 11/03. Ideally, at least one is needed to keep cigarette burning during all daylight hours and clean ashes off chest, one to tip the chair back in order to pour shots of alcohol into mouth, and one to collect fees from worshipers and photographers.

Pets:

The occasional chicken. But most are eventually sacrificed at the in-house altar in plea for good harvest.

Music Tastes:

Songs and incantations sung in dedication rituals.

Sports:

Not very active. Prefers to simply sit on throne.

Style:

Western Clothing and Brand Names. Partial to Gucci Glasses and Armani Suits. Never Leaves Home w/o “Collection-Bag” Worn Around Neck (see picture above).

Enjoys:

Cigars, Cigarettes, Rum, Fine Fabrics, Burning Candles, Money, Petting & Hand Massages, Prayers, Sleeping, and, in general, any shrine or sacrificial offering.

Favorite Holiday:

Holy Week — when ceremonially hand-bathed, dressed in the finest of clothing, and then carried in massive processions throughout the town.

Annual Income:

Considerable. Refer to modeling rates above. For special fees/sacrifices, additional pleas will be considered. The alcohol that is “consumed” can also be purchased at a special “holy-rum” rate.

Pet Peeve:

Jesus Christ. He’s always competing for the adoration and prayers of the people.

Contact:

Just ask anyone in the town for “San Simon.” If interested in meeting in person, please bring any combination of the following: cigars, money, cigarettes, beer, candles, or a bottle of Venado rum or “Firewater” Quezalteca.

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alfombras

THIS is what is happening on every cobble stone calle in Antigua right now:

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All of the “Alfombras” (literally “carpets” made from colored sawdust, flowers, fruits, etc) awaiting their turn-at-treading from the grandest processions of Semana Santa …

See ALL the pictures of “The Making of the Alfombras”

*****

And all is silent on the homefront, as I sit on the floor of my bedroom, scratching my head, glancing back-and-forth between my tiny back pack and the towering heaps of clothing, gifts, remembrances and nick-knacks, wondering how in the world I will ever be able to fit one into the other.

And then I sit on the floor on my bedroom, dabbing my eyes, mentally glancing back-and-forth between my life behind and my life ahead, and wonder how in the world one person can feel such towering heaps of excitement, sadness, nervousness, appreciation, fear and love all at the very same time.

And then I go to the market to buy another bag.

And there I realize — there are no weight or bag limits in the check-in lane of life. These memories will never be lost, and are insured for a lifetime.

*****

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slowly fasting

Slowly Fasting

I’m still at the lake (San Marcos), but just hopped a pick-up truck to a nearby Mayan village for a look around and spotted an internet cafe. (Amazing how un-wide this world web is getting.)

Four days at the Pyramids Meditation Center: Four days of morning yoga, afternoon discussions on Metaphysics, and evening meditation — all in combination with Reiki massage, bathing in the lake, a few steam sessions in the sauna and a LOT of delicious vegetarian food…on Sunday and Monday anyway.

On Tuesday I started to fast. Haven’t eaten for *looks at watch* about 40 hours now. The only thing my taste buds are savoring now is this special re-hydration drink composed of the juice of 7 oranges and 7 limes (mostly picked off the ground under the trees near our hut), a pinch of sugar and salt, and a dash of bicarbonate (baking soda) – mixed with a couple liters of water.

Why am I fasting? For a few reasons: In dedication to the children of the project, for whom this feeling is a reality, not an experiment. To experience hunger for the first time in my over-privileged life. To detox my body. To test my will-power. To try something new. To clear my thoughts and clarify my thinking (you’d be amazed at how much of our lives we spend thinking, preparing, anticipating and just waiting for and wanting FOOD.)

So how do I feel? Light, clear-minded, and a little dizzy — both mentally and physically. Life seems to be moving a little slower, in a soft cloud-like way. It’s nice. There is no stomach cramping or “pain” like I might have previously assumed. But then again, we’re only halfway through, so maybe Pain is waiting patiently in store for me, ready to pounce me after my afternoon sauna session….which happens to be in a half an hour.

Time for me to hit the hitch!

A light, clear-minded, slightly dizzy and cloud-like chao…

:) sol

And to quote Siddhartha again (but poorly, because it comes from memory):

“And what is so intelligent about fasting Siddhartha?”

“Well, if a man has no money or food, isn’t fasting the most intelligent thing he can do?”

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daze of days

Daze of Days

Did you know that you have muscles in your fingers, armpits, neck and wrists? Well I do NOW…. because they, and the 200 other muscles that I have successfully managed to ignore my twenty-five years are today SCREAMING at me;

“HA! We DO exist! It’s about time you gave us proper recognition! Use us! Abuse us! Let’s go Rock Climbing AGAIN!”

All I have to say is, “UNCLE!”

But the pain was well worth the gain. What an exhilarating experience! I have all new respect for those of you who make a profession of this sport.

“Just stick your wrist in that crack, twist it 90 degrees until it’s locked there and swing your right foot over to that 1/8th of an inch “ledge” to support your weight. Just center your gravity and push.”

And, for the record, this is not something I would have EVER done five years ago. But after a few years of regularly exercising the mental muscle and my motto, “C’mon, what would you do if you weren’t afraid….just do it..” — I’m gettin’ pretty good at this “pushing my limits” stuff. In any case, it took me to the top of the wall and farther even than the three other climbing novices that were in my group — two of which were men. Admittedly, the little tomgirl in me was jumping up and down in excitement at “beating the bigger boys”.

This week is my last working at the project. Ug. I’m dreading Friday. Saying goodbye is NOT my strength. I usually prefer to just slip out stealth-style. But with kids, it’s different — and now I have to be all grown-up about it. I repeat. Ug.

Saturday, I’ve signed up for a MONSTER hike up Volcan Acatenago. It’s peak is less than 1km from the erupting Volcan Fuego and I’m spending the night up there, so if a look down into the lava spewing Fuego isn’t worth the trek, the sunrise certainly will be. (For where else does the “sol” in solbeam come from?)

Monday morning I’m off to the Lake Atitlan…again. This time though, I’m making my way directly to the famous Pyramid Retreat Center, where I´m shutting myself up in a lake front hut and taking a vow of silence. I figure a week of reflection is the least that is due for such an intense year of learning and social consumption. And I’ll NEED a solid grasp on all my “inner peace” to get on the plane the next Monday.

So my vow of silence will probably be extending to the keyboard over the next two weeks. Please excuse my absence whilst I clean up my messes and kiss my goodbyes! (And when I return home, I’ll FINALLY have the chance to catch up on emails and the dozens of adventures I never had time “on the road” to document.)

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the sol times

The Sol Times

News for Saturday the 9th, of March 2002

Crime Report

Last night, at approximately 11:10 p.m. at the nightclub “Casbah”, located in Antigua Guatemala, a fight was reported to have broken out on the dance floor during a promotional event for Gallo, the Guatemalan beer giant. In the midst of the commotion, a beer bottle was thrown, but as the intended victim ducked, it’s course continued to strike and knock down the dancer behind. The female victim, 25 years of age and going by the name of “Sol” suffered a blow to the jaw. After the initial shock wore off, she was reported to have been back on the dance floor and happily grooving again, albeit holding her *cold* Cuba against her jaw.

When asked if she was okay, she is quoted as saying, “uuhhh..aets eally ard or me oh talk ight now….it urts ew smile…can wee alk ater?”

Sources report that her jaw status as of this morning is swollen but the pain quite bearable. The victim is, however, having problems chewing and is reported to have smiled and stated, “Eff it oesn’t fit rough a straw, it isnt on my menu.”

Comic

Last week Sol was out with her good Guatemalan friend Henry (aka “Mr. Antigua”) having drinks at a local bar when another male friend of hers approached. Unbeknownst to the new arriver, Henry had been politely reminding Sol at numerous points in the day that she should NOT be scratching her suspicious skin disease #3 (which should be noted has finally gone away!). The new arriver kissed Sol on the cheek in customary Guatemalan greeting fashion. At this moment, it also happened to be that Sol was scratching her legs. Henry quickly gave Sol a fast SLAP! on the leg to remind her not to scratch. The new arriver, jumped back, mumbling most sincere apologies to Henry (who happens to be a body building champ and quite scary in a tight t-shirt) and ran away into the crowd before the two even had the chance to realize what had happened and break out in hysterics.

Entertainment

Siskle-Sol gives the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy (the BOOK) “Two-Very-Enthusiastic-Thumbs-Up”. Which looks a little bit like this:

She will be attending the 3:30 showing of the MOVIE this afternoon, and the Sol-Times will be the first to receive her report.

Correction — CHICK-Bus

The editor would like to make an amendment to a past issue of the Sol Times. In January, in the article titled “How the Chicken Bus Crossed The Road” it was quoted:

“Although I’ve never actually seen a chicken on one of these busses…”

For the Sol Times record, let it be corrected that on Sunday the 3rd of March, on a chicken-bus from Quetzaltenago to Chichicastenago, our foreign corresponder Sol spent four hours inside of a chicken bus with 301 chickens. Technically, 300 chicks, in boxes, and 1 rooster, tied up in a plastic bag — all of which were located in the baggage bin above her head. Other witnesses report that every time the bus went around a turn…where upon the 300 chicks ceased their constant chirping as they “rolled” from one side of the box to the other, a smuggled giggling could be heard from the row of passengers underneath them. Our correspondent denied hearing any such noises.

Travel

In direct correlation to the robbery of numerous digital cameras, as it may have been noticed, there are often times delays between the actual events posted at the Sol Times, and the photographs visually capturing those events. We apologize for this delay and promise that as soon as we get back to the States, and get our hands on that new Sony CD400 that is covered in our own drool, we’ll be back in live action. For the meantime though, we have some photos to present representing various past traveling trips:

Getting in the “swing” of Mexican beach life in Tulum:

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Sol’s gererally-overly-energetic self in Puerto Escondido, Mexico:

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More Mexico Pictures

And a sunset in Monterico with the wonderful (and tree-like) German boys:

More Monterico and “Living Antigua” Pictures

Sports

Our foreign correspondent in Guatemala will be embarking on her very first Rock Climbing trip tomorrow at 12 noon. She hopes this activity will be less dangerous than dancing at the local discoteque.

Signing Out,

Senior Editor Sol

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and the road goes ever on and on…

And the Road Goes Ever On and On…

A little clarification…

True: I will be VERY sad (and scared) leaving Central America.

False: I dread going home.

And the difference between these two statements? Worlds.

I have NO “dread” of going home. I feel immense sadness for what I’m leaving.

“Home” doesn’t change much. But that is exactly what makes it so beautiful. How MUCH I miss my mother’s cooking! And my drives though the country with my father, and my sister and brothers…and the smiles of my beautiful new nieces and nephews, some of which I have NEVER seen. How I miss my histories with my best friends from high school and the weddings and reunions of my college roommates, and all the other life-altering events that occurred in their lives during this past year. I love home. And I will love to return home…just for the people that make it that — “home”.

My definition of “home” includes the descriptive terms: comfort, stability, warmth, peace, safety and love. Oh. Those are nice words aren’t they? So different from my last twelve months where I have traveled through six different unstable countries, held five different uncomfortable jobs, four different Spanish teachers, four different salsa instructors, lived with five different families and slept in hundreds of different beds — many of them cold and some of them unsafe. Yes, “home”, where I know and love the tastes, smells and feelings — will be very much welcomed.

More difficult to explain is why I am so sad to leave. And what exactly am I leaving? Best friends that I’ll probably, truthfully, never see again (seeing as they are also travelers from all parts of the world); intimacy with places and people that I have watched constantly change…and know will go on changing after I leave; tastes of foods that I can’t find in any restaurant or kitchen outside of Guatemala; sounds and smells that just don’t exist in the United States; the faces of the dozens of small children who continue their struggle in the city dump whilst I am warm, clean, fed and snug at home. I am leaving memories that really only exist in THIS Guatemalan reality. And this reality is SO very different from anything I have ever known. So how should I expect anyone to understand when they have not experienced it? How can I explain the smell of a tortillera? Or the taste of unripe mango with salt, lime & chili? Or describe the high in getting lost in the dips, turns and spins of salsa? Or describe the pain in my heart in response to the expression of my favorite child in the project when I told him that I was leaving…and didn’t know if I’d ever be back? I can’t. I can’t explain it. And therefore I can’t explain why I miss it. These memories and these experiences are my own. And while I love to own them all to myself, I do fear that non-understanding seriously. For two reasons. First, because I won’t be able to explain my sadness to those questioning. After all, outside of this blog, “home” knows nothing of these things, places and people…and so I can not expect my sadness to be understood. And second, because memories fade outside of their realities, and I fear losing touch with this Guatemalan reality.

Anyone remember my three months in Utila? Three months of intense island life? Of diving and barefootedness and partying and sharks and stingrays and table dancing and fish eating and non-blogging? Three months that now seem only like one long daydream. One long daydream that is already impossible for me to relate even to my friends here in Antigua. When asked about my time there, after a long sigh, I can only stutter out, “You just had to be there.”

“You just had to be there.”

It’s a lonely answer. And it’s an even lonelier feeling. And if there is anything to “dread”, it is only that feeling. I’m afraid this entire adventure will turn into one big dream, uncomprehesible to others, any maybe even uncomprehesible to myself. And we all know how dreams are! So difficult to explain! Foggy in understanding upon recall. So impossible to re-tell when your listener is bored stiff with details that mean nothing to them. Unripe mango with lemon, salt and chili? *Yawn.* Home doesn’t change much. But I have. And returning with so little physical evidence to grasp onto will be difficult. I already feel the pressure to re-conform to different (but not better or worse) standards of life and happiness. I already feel “pushed” to move on and be comfortable. So while I won’t ask for “understanding”, I will ask for patience. My adjustment will not be easy, and I will be sad. I can’t help those things. But they are not to be taken personally.

And in response to the question, “So if you are so sad, why are you leaving?”? For very good, but mostly intuitive, reasons. It’s just time. I love this place, but I know this place…and I have a kind of “personal legend” awaiting me…yet to fulfill. If I stayed in a place only because I was “happy” or “sad to leave”, I would have never left Oregon to move to Santa Clara, or from Santa Clara to San Diego, or from San Diego to here. Each place I left in tears. But my comfort comes in the reassurance that I can ALWAYS go back…but I CAN’T always go forward.

“The road goes ever on and on…until it reaches some greater way.”

“Addiction” is the word that describes best my desire for constant change and my NEED for the highs I get from a never-ending flux of new stimuli and the exploration of unknowns. I willingly admit my ongoing romance with the thrill of not knowing what tomorrow holds or what bus I will chose to jump on in the next five minutes. This is my high. And it is an addiction I refuse to jump the wagon on yet. And I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I slightly fear what consequences this addiction has for my future…. but that is an entirely different essay. My point is only that I can love “home” without being “home”. And that my absence does not, in any way, indicate less love or appreciation thereof.

Of course, none of this, and none of me, would have been possible without my family. It is only because my parents provided such a stable, safe and warm “home” — where all my needs were met, and where I never had to seek WITHIN it — that allowed me the liberty of seeking OUTSIDE of it. My parents who have updated me continually on the smile-status of my new nieces and nephews and who have made great haste to the banks, stores and post offices to send me bills, digital cameras or quickly correct errors with my bank account that otherwise would have left me stranded and penniless in more than one desperate scenario. My siblings and best friends who have only sent me the most wonderful words of encouragement throughout all my travels. My family who has *hopefully* forgiven me for my lack of attention to birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. And my family that happily receives me in the midst of my confusion and adjustment. These freedoms of heart and conscious are invaluable, and without them, I could not travel in the carefree manner that I am allowed.

And ENDLESS thanks to all those who actually read this site and/or send me letters. Because IT is the only physical thing I have to grasp on to. How I could EVER give any inch of accurate representation of my year abroad “over coffee” is inconcieveable. “You just had to be there” will have to suffice many inquisitions….but for those of you who WERE there, WITH me, my mind can smile and sigh in relief. I’m not so alone after all. And for that ease, I have you to thank.

*reads above essay*

Wow…sounds a lot like an ending, eh? But hardly. Of all the wonderful things that “travel” gives, one of the best, is NEW perspective and appreciation of OLD things and places. Every journey becomes an adventure, whether it be to Spain, the beach or to your old-highschool-best-friend’s house. (All three of which lay in my near future.) And thus, I can’t quite decide which I have more to smile about — my journeys behind or my adventures ahead.

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surf n’ sipicate

Surf n’ Sipicate

Sipicate is a black sand beach on the Pacific Coast of Guatemala. Surf is what my Guatemalan friends revolve their lives around.

Last weekend, we kicked it in beach cabins for a two-day surf competition where the boys took 1st in the Boogie Board and 3rd in the Tabla competitions. This particular group of people also happen to take the Trophy on being, “THE Most Energetic, Resourceful and Downright-Damn-Fun” Group of people I have ever met in all my travels. Every time they call me at 11:00 pm Friday night and say, “We´ll pick you up in six hours.” — I know I’m in for an adventure. “Bring the bag”, they say. The “bag” includes a swimsuit, sandals, shampoo, going out clothes, a deck a cards, hiking shoes, the phone number of all those you will need to call in case you are home a few days late and a “be-prepared-for-anything” attitude.

A typical adventure includes any combination of the following: high speed car chase, partial or full nudity, table dancing, salsa-ing, surfing, breaking-and-entering, water fights, 360´s, practical jokes, trespassing, dancing in the bed of pick-up trucks, sneak-admission, scamming free food/board, and/or an encounter with the police. This particular trip also included some broken floor boards on the dance deck, a lot of limbo (picture 1) a friendly game of “Electrocute Your Neighbor” (picture 2) and some strip teasin’ (picture 3).

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I’m not sure if this next picture counts as partial/full nudity, but the second picture definitely qualifies under both “water fights” and “practical jokes” seeing as the night before I had dumped water on the guy in the blue shirt (Todd) whilst he was sleeping in his bed. Of course, in his dream fog, he didn’t remember exactly who did it and when he inquired the next day, I politely informed him that it was Marco (green shorts). Here, Todd takes sweet revenge on the innocent. Not pictured, is me in the corner….slinking away with a towel over my head.

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See ALL the Pictures

I’ll be out *gettin’ in trouble* with this same crew all THIS weekend also, so please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can….

*beeeeeeeeep!*

*****

Sunrise Last Saturday

….black sand….ummm…nice…..

*****

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tri-annual solbeam statistical update

Tri-Annual Solbeam Statistical Update

– As of 26, February 2002

# of Months on the Road = 11

# of Suspicious Skin Infections in 11 Mos. = 3

# of Digital Cameras Donated to the Guatemalan Black Market = 3

# of Persons reported in a Kidnapping for Ransom in the City Yesterday = 3

$$$ Amount of Ransom asked to Return the Abducted = 3000 Quetzales

3000 Quetzales Equivalent in US dollars = $375.00

How Much I’m Kidding About That Figure = Not At All

% of People I Know on First Name Basis at the Bar on any Given Night = 85

% of Those People Who Give me the “Tip-The-Bottle” More-Alcohol-Please-Because-I-Know-You Signal = 80%

How Annoying That Is = Extremely

How Much I Long to Be Salsa-ing Instead of Behind the Bar = Desperately

How Many Doubts I’d Rather Be Traveling than Working on Weekends = Without

How Many Reasons I Needed to Quit Working at the Bar = 3

Things I’ve Suddenly Realized That I’ve Forgotten in the Last 11 Months = What My Old *nice* Watch Looks Like, How Much a Beer Costs in San Diego, My Way Around PhotoShop

How Long It’s Been Since I’ve Driven a Car = 11 Months

How I’ve Learned to Fall Asleep in a Chicken Bus = Standing Up

How Many Dance Floors I’ve Broken a Floor Board In = 1

How Many Times I’ve Been Electrocuted in Central America = 4 (Story Coming)

How Many Times I’ve Gotten on the Wrong Bus in Central America = 1

How Many Times I’ve Gotten on The Wrong Plane in Central America = 1 (Story Coming)

# of Avocados I Eat a Day = 1.5

$$ of 1 Avodcado = .75Q or 10 cents US

How Many Nightmares I’ve Had About Returning to the States = 3

How Many Times I’ve Cried in the Last 11 Months = 0

Next Time I Will Cry = March 26th, 2002

Date I Leave Guatemala = March 26th, 2002

How Many Cups of Coffee I’ve Drunken Whilst Writing This = 2

How Many Minutes I Spent Contemplating if “Drunken” is a Word = 2

Conclusion on the word “Drunken” = Suspicious

# of Apologies to My 16 Years of English Teachers = Many

Where I Was Last Weekend = Surfing Competition in Sipicate (Beach on the Pacific of Guatemala)

What Place I Took = 2nd

Degree of Truth in that Claim = None

What I Really Did Learn = How to Body Board

How Much Fun That Was = Wickedly Fun

How Many Pictures I Took Over the Weekend = 20+

When Today I Will Hopefully Post Them = Later

Recipe For My Daily “Piece of Heaven” Shake: 1 Frozen Banana, 1/2 cup milk, 2 tbls sugar, 3 tbls powdered vanilla flavoring, 1/2 cup dry mosh

How Often I Have to Fight with My Roommates for the Blender Now that I’ve Shared with Them How to Make This Shake = Daily

What I Drink Behind the Bar: Lemon Juice, Salt, Tomato juice, *stir*, Soda Water and Ice (“Suero con Tomate”)

Facial Expressions of all Those Who Taste It: Scowls and Grimmaces

Recipe for a Very Nice Pina Colada: Ice, Pina Juice, Dark Rum, Kaluah, Milk *shake, drain*, Cinnamon on Top

How Many Limes I Have to Cut and/or Squeeze Each Night Before Work = Countless

How Many Calluses I Have on My Hands From the Knife I Use = 2

What the Term “Enron” Means to Me = Nothing

What the Term “Freedom” Means to Me = Everything

How Often I Question and Challenge the Ideals of American Society: Constantly

How Much I Desire a Picket Fence, Nice Car or White Wedding: Zill, Nilch and Nada

How Much Uncertainty Lies in My Future = A Great Deal

How OKAY I Am with That = A *Surprisingly* Great Deal

How Many Miles I Ran This Morning = 5

How Many Consecutive Turns I Can Make Salsa-ing = 5

How Many Fingers I Have On My Right Hand = 5

How Many of the Letters on this Keyboard are Written in with White-Out = 13

Stats I’m Starting To Write = Nonsense

Time For Me To Go = Now

Page # Where My Bookmark is in “The Lord of The Rings” trilogy = 81

What *wonderful* Quote From Which I Leave You With:

The Road goes ever on and on

&nbsp&nbsp Down from the Door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

&nbsp&nbsp And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

&nbsp&nbsp Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

&nbsp&nbsp And whither then? I cannot say.

– J.R.R Tolkien

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sol vs. the volcano — a history

Sol vs. The Volcano — A History

In Portland, Oregon, when given a piece of white construction paper and finger paints, children will blob and smudge paintings of snow-capped mountains topped with whipped-cream clouds and sprinkled with pine trees. In San Diego, California, kids will draw sandy beaches lined with palm trees and spotted with sharks and surfers. In Guatemala, the children draw Volcanos.

Normally they draw them in pairs or triplets with square-page-corner suns looming over rolling hills or blue lakes. Today, the children have added something special to their volcanoes. Can you guess what it is? Let me give you a hint: it’s red, it’s fiery, and it has something to do with that game your mother used to yell at you for when she found you jumping from the couch to the dining room table in order to avoid touching the floor. Yup. Hot lava. Hot lava is what is spewing from Volcan Fuego at this very moment as I write from an internet cafe in Antigua, Guatemala. Hot lava, and pictures thereof, is what is finally making the front page of the local papers after two weeks of constant eruption activity. And hot lava, is what has inspired all the young Guatemalan artists to open, and apply liberally, the contents of the bottle of red paint.

The hot stuff, and that which produces it, has also fired a little inspiration in me. It has inspired a sort of reflection on The Volcano’s influence, or its *explosive* pressure, on my own life. And thus I present to you: Sol v.s. The Volcano — A History.

May, 1980: Sol vs. St. Hellens

Now it just so happens, that my earliest memory of life and/or consciousness took place on May 18th, 1980. Of course, my consciousness was not so keen enough to actually remember that date. The date I got online. My consciousness was only mature enough to grasp and remember the image of ashes falling from the sky as I was being held up on the top of a car. May 18th, 1980 is the date Mount St. Hellens erupted.

In the years between that fir-tree-fateful day and my first trip to Central America, The Volcano influenced my life only in the forms of ice cream cones, chemistry class filter flasks, and Madonna’s chest. But WHEN The Volcano decided to make a move in my life, it did so in true volcanic nature… violently.

October 2000: Sol vs. Volcan Madera

Volcan Madera is located on the Ometepe Island, in Lake Nicaragua. Myself and seven other travelers hitched and hiked our way up to an old banana plantation called Magdalena that had a hammock-deck open for backpackers wanting to hike the volcano towering over it. We arrived late in the night and passed out early in preparation for the eight hour hike the next morning. Early a.m., we gobbled up the only meal the plantation owners had to offer — beans, rice, eggs and bananas. The owner told us that we needed a guide to find our way and a rope to climb the last half hour down into the crater-lake. “Guide? Sheeah. Who needs a guide!” He offered us HIS rope.

Four of us were impatient waiting for two in our group to finish breakfast. They waved us on and told us they’d catch up with us in a few minutes. Now a five-hour hike up doesn’t sound like much, but please keep in mind, it was about the angle of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

About four exhausting hours into the trip, whilst we were sitting down for a rest at a break in the path, an Italian guy caught up with us. Two paths layed out in front of us and he opted for the one the rest of us had just decided against. But he was adamant, and I told the others to rest while I climbed it with him a bit. We had been climbing up the jungle floor for about ten minutes when I decided, mostly out of the fact that I didn’t WANT to climb mud any more, that the other path would be a better option. I yelled this up to him. The last I heard were his continued echos of, “No! I’m sure this is it….just a little farther!”. I turned around, found the others, and we took the other path. And hour later we were splish-splashing ourselves a very fine time in the lake within the crater of The Volcano and eating bruised-to-baby-food bananas and cracked eggs…. and feeling that very special type of proud you can only feel after successfully hiking a volcano.

In typical Central American rain season fashion, it POURED on us on our way DOWN The Volcano — turning our descent into the world’s largest non-yellow slip-and-slide. When we finally returned to camp, we were painted head to toe in mud and short one shoe. We kicked back in our hammocks anxiously awaiting the arrival of our friends (from their own adventures) so that we could clink beers and revel in how cool we were, together. We waited and waited…and it grew dark.

The pair that had told us they were going to follow us “in five minutes” came down first. They were covered in mud and scrapes. The girl was on the verge of hysterics. She read the questions in our eyes. “I don’t want to talk about it.” she stated. Her partner stumbled up on the deck after her and replied, “See…we made it!”. She shot him a lava-hot glare that any volcano would have been jealous of, and stomped off to the showers. Apparently, she had followed him and his claims of “I know where we are!” around for a good eight hours before they ran out of water and fell down a stream created from the downpour. Eventually, but still hours later, she shoved him out of the way, and they managed to find and follow a river down The Volcano.

The second pair of travelers had left in the morning in search of some hidden waterfall at the foot of neighboring Volcan Conception. They never found the waterfall, but they DID find a dead body…in the ditch of a street. Traumatized, they headed back to the plantation, but got lost on their way back up in the dark and had walked into ants nests. No. They didn’t want to hear about our trip up The Volcano.

The next morning, the planation owner asked us if we had seen an Italian man when we were up on the Volcano. Apparently, he hadn´t come down yet. We crossed worried eyes at each other and told him our experience. He shrugged nonchalantly and told us that just the day before, a girl had sprained her foot on the way up and had spent the night on The Volcano. He stopped the next couple starting up on their hike up and told them to keep an eye out for a lost Italian — Nicaragua’s version of a formal search party. I saw the Italian come down a few hours later. I didn’t ask him if he wanted to talk about it.

4 lost hikers, 2 lost overnight, 1 dead body, 2 ant attacks, 1 sprained ankle, and 1 lost shoe — all offered as sacrafices on the altar of Volcan Madera in one weekend. Enough to appease the Gods?

October 2001: Sol vs. Volcan Pacaya

Volcan Pacaya is a 7,383-foot volcano that lies about 27 miles south of Guatemala City. For five bucks, a person can join one of the dozens of tour groups that climb the volcano daily. The hike takes about three hours to ascend in the tour group, but about 1.5 if you’re not “resting” every 15 minutes at the command of your guide while waiting for the stragglers in the back of the group. Pacaya is highly active, and if the prospect of a close encounter with the lava kind doesn’t inch up the adrenaline, the rumor that all the armed guards placed along the trail are ex-convicts usually does. No worries though, because your 50-year old guide DOES have a really big stick.

I hiked Pacaya in October, during the winter season of Guatemala. During the trip up, our guide repeatedly pointed out — into the walls of thick white fog surrounding us — the beautiful views of volcanos and cities that we could NOT see. (Advice: The best time to hike Pacaya is NOT in the rain or winter seasons. It is also suggested to hike Pacaya when it is NOT exploding. Sounds obvious, but you’d be surprised at what official warnings the tour agencies will NOT tell you about if they see a flash of cash.)

The last hour of the hike was up black volcanic sand.

*one step up…..slide two steps back*

*one step up…..slide two steps back*

It was in this manner that we lost ten percent of the hikers to exhaustion.

There were about 15 hikers in front of me on the narrow path when hard gusts of sulfuric gas began picking fights with each of us indiviually, trying to steal our oxygen. Three wide-eyed and crying girls came crawling frantically down the path yelping to everyone to turn around. Having been recently trained to spot the signs of panic in a divemaster course, I grabbed the first one, stared her squarely in the eyes, and instructed her to breath, be calm, and climb down. Admittedly, it WAS difficult to breath, but I had brought a handkerchief to cover my mouth and wasn’t about to turn around five minutes from the summit. (Stupid? Probably. For the record, I knew that.)

At the top, I found one of the guides posing pretty with successful hikers. Oddly enough, none of the ten or so cameras that made it up, worked — something to do with too much white balance because of the walls of fog and smoke. So we all just moved back and forth in a dance that involved inching closer and closer to the cliff of the crater *one, two, three* and jumping back and crouching low to cough and gasp for air *one, two, three* before we turned around and made our way back down *dip*.

The descent of The Volcano held its own surprise delights. First, the “one step up, slide two steps down” dance that exhausted us on the way up, made for a thrilling black-snow-ski-slope ride back down. Those daring to make a run for it, flew down the summit in echoing cries of laughter. It was while we sat on a cliff emptying sandfalls from our shoes that the walls of white fog decided to part like stage curtains and unveil to us — in gasps of awe and clicks of cameras — those INCREDIBLE views that we had missed the entire way up. It was a surprise party worth being unaware of.

February 2002: Sol vs. Volcan Fuego

More than 500 volcanoes are known to have erupted on the earth’s surface since historic times. One happens to be erupting within view of the window beside me. Last night, we drove to the foot of Volcan Fuego to get a closer seat at the show. After the initial shrieks of excitement (in response to the the river-of-red) subdued, we heard — in the silence — the undulating purr and roar of The Volcano. One word for that sound: Humbling.

The constant erupting action of Volcan Fuego over the last two weeks even inspired me to drop “Volcano” into Encyclopedia.com. It was there that I learned that Volcan Mauna Loa is taller that Mt. Everest (but its base is on the ocean floor) and that evidence of extraterrestrial volcanic activity has been found on Venus, Triton (a satellite of Neptune), and Lo (a satellite of Jupiter). Some travelers say that it’s the influence of the four volcanoes looming over Antigua that exert mysterious forces upon weekend passer-byers into changing their departure dates and getting lost here for months — a kind of Bermuda-Volcano Triangle if you will. Of course,despite my research, the mystery, magic and beauty of The Volcano remain indefinable in my own mental encyclopedia.

So, Volcan Hellens inspired consciousness within me. Volcan Madera inspired fear. Volcan Pacaya inspired beauty and awe. Volcan Fuego inspired magic and mystery. But it is in the cumulation of all of these experiences, that The Volcano has inspired one thing above all these others. And that is…respect.

(I’m traveling this weekend to Quetaltenago, to soak in the hot springs of Aguas Calientes Georgina for three days — Compliments of The Volcano.)

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