200 words

(I’ve been experimenting with microblogging as way to fit writing exercise into my almost-daily life. The following are a few, unrelated, paragraphs drafted in an effort to chase the elusive creative life found in the cracks of busy motherhood…)

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200 words

A DIET OF 200 WORDS PER DAY. I’m not sure I even know what blocky-form a congregation of such sentences look like.  But let’s see where this goes. At the loss of a little sleep. At the expense of a rare and captured quiet moment normally spent in delicious silence reading the news.  At the cost of a cuddle in bed with a lover with whom I have only spoken in the language of life management logistics for the last 24-hours. At the risk of arousing my toddler from his sleep with my *softest* typing. Knowing very well that before I reach 200 words, I might more likely hear, “Momma! It’s nice out there. Get me up momma. Momma?!” In motherhood, every moment is stolen. Every minute comes with an opportunity cost tag. If I’m typing, I might lose a minute in joint-investigation of the red-bearded woodpecker in the aspen tree out the window. If I’m joint-investigating, I’ll lose that fleeting minute I need to catch the tail of a novel thought barely glimpsed in the sunlight between the trees. And there is a sweet spot between the two: where my child discovers on his own without a want for (the waste of) adult commentary, and yet at the same time, witnesses the independent and creative life of his mother. Oh sweet spot. I have my eye on you. 228 words.

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that very precious moment

THE BEST THING I EVER DID WAS TEACH MY CHILD TO LOOK AT THE SKY. Something about the clouded perspective of adulthood means I never catch him in the act of searching, but only take note when his arm is outstretched like an exclamation point across my omni-armed aim of accomplishing ten tasks at once, and he declares, “Momma. There’s the Moon right there.” And I stop. That very precious moment of stopping. The reason children humble us to better, smaller, more human beings. I drop all my busy, dumb thoughts and look at the sky. And there it is, often just the palest crescent, hanging delicately in a hazy horizon of blues and white. And I marvel that he’s found, and brought me to this moment. And say, “Why that IS the moon right there.”

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big jump

SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL HAPPENS IN THE SPACE WHERE WORDS ARE LOST. I’ve noticed it myself, growing, in the pause between sentiments that just can’t be contained in a sentence. And last night, a minute after dabbing a little local anesthetic on a mouth sore that was keeping my child awake, he rubbed his eyes in exhaust and astonishment and said, “Momma? Ouchie flew away in the sky!” And isn’t that just how pain exits? Lofted on the downy wings of a strong breeze? Whisked away as inconceivably fast as it arrived? Has anything ever been said so well? A month ago, he was stung by a bee captured in his hand from the windowsill. And as the bee dizzily droned out the open sliding glass door, my child looked up at me and in the middle of his streaming tears said, “The bee is going back to work.” So, yes, I’m making a case that my 2-year old is a poet. But more, I’m realizing that our verbal limitations, real or feigned, force us back to the fertile grounds of what may have otherwise been overstepped. My 2-year old and I are on the same quest, exploring the space between words where we are similarly lacking in equipment, but treading precariously anyway. “Big jump!” he announces just in time for me to turn around and and see him leap from the bed to the floor. “Stomped it,” he quietly assesses with the ski-vocabulary he’s inherited from his Pappa. How far can I leap without explaining myself, I wonder? It’s clear from his example, the further the distance, the more exhilarating the travels.

 

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chosen

(The following is a generalized version of a wedding speech/letter I recently wrote for a girlfriend…)

In my (fused) professional-personal community of entrenched international experiential educators, there is an archetypal woman.  Her 20’s (and often 30’s) all but vanished in a flurry of global assignments and expeditions accepted without hesitation. She is proficient in a foreign language or three, and fluent in the discourse of the heart. She’s been weathered by all that she’s witnessed, yet wears the scars of her stories with grace. She has earned her laugh lines early in life, and is also ever ready to shed an empathetic tear across them. She beats her heart, like the dust out of a rug, through prose, form, depression, dance, chant, or song. This woman: She is travelled. She is inspired. She is accomplished. She is evasive. And, she sheds men with the seasons.

To the observer (family included), her life design might appear haphazard.  But let me assure you, there is sub rosa blueprint to her architecture. What she is doing is the inspection and heavy lifting of each stone that will forge the foundation of her life. And if this is not clear – it is the foundation of a life without a partner that she is building.  For not only is she wary of a man’s intentions and purpose, but she wants full ownership of the house from which one day she’ll sit on the porch in her old-age and reflect, read, write, pet her cat, and wave. (And frankly, in the long run, she’ll outlive her husband anyway, so there’s no sense in building upon his foundation.)

So it’s a joyous event when this woman selects a life partner. The first thing to celebrate is that this particular man had the courage to approach this woman, who by all appearances does not need him. The second quality to honor is his intelligence (and self confidence) in recognizing the work she has put into her foundation not as something intended to make him small by comparison, but as that which adds character, depth, experience, and strength to their union. And here’s the secret that my husband, and the partners of other women in my community know: That as independent as she may appear on the outside, what this woman seeks, and needs, is someone who, gently, makes space for her softness to surface. Someone who isn’t alarmed by, but comfortable with her tears. Someone who does not leach the strength she has spent her lifetime accumulating, but who encourages forth femininity from the fortress she has built.  And yes, this woman also needs someone who brings both checks and balances to her sometimes-righteous sense of self-government. Ultimately, what she needs is a partner who can shoulder the leaning-in of she who will construct her dreams tirelessly, until her partner gives her the permission to — and arms within which — she can rest.

Congratulations to every woman who finds and lets that man into her life. It is no small feat to lower the drawbridge and invite in, what will surely be a humbling unknown. And congratulations to any male who is that man. While (a least for my husband) there remains the tiny threat of the realness and allure of a solo path that was sacrificed in the merging of two, he may also enjoy the sweetness of being truly chosen as a companion, not only above all other men, but single life paths too.

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goodnight lawn-mower

nashchickn

my 2-year old, every night, soothes himself to sleep by recounting the objects and events that have made an impression on his day…

“goodnight motorcycle”

“goodnight bumble bee”

“goodnight thunder”

“goodnight lawn-mower”

(If you haven’t noticed, there’s a rumbling-buzzing sound theme.)

And no, the connection between this ritual and the research on daily gratitudes is not lost on me.

***

The black pop-ups on my phone today twist my gut…

“Surface-to-Air Missile Shot Down Malaysian Airliner”

“Israel Begins Ground Assault in Gaza”

Nothing registers the sight of a child’s corpse like the nights you slip into your own child’s bedroom to watch him sleep.

***

I’m attending a workshop in September by a legend-of-a-woman, Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes. On my morning hike, by way of podcast, she said (something to the effect of)…

Mend the parts of the world that are within your reach. For the rest, pray. 

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Thunder has a funny way of starting out suddenly, and big.

Last night, a single crack and ground-shaking roar left my 2-year old screaming from his crib, “I’m scared!” (interestingly, the first emotion he’s learned to communicate).

I swooped him up, wrapped him in blanket, and held his head to my chest. I pressed my chin over the top of his head, took in the scent of his hair, and thought (as I often do): this is the best-yet moment of my life.

There is nothing more comforting or right than the feeling of effectively protecting your child.

I shudder to imagine the truth of the reverse.

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So life is heavy, like those thunderous skies.

But I’ll heed today’s teachers: Dr. E and my 2-year old.

And hug what I’ve got, reach out to those I can, and get on my knees and pray for the mothers who could not protect their children today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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the intimacy of loss

 

swan

You know what people don’t tell you about?

The intimacy of tragedy.

The collapse into the lap of your lover; not in elated exertion…. but in grief.

The speechlessness; not of direct eye contact… but of downcast mutual understandings.

The timelessness; not of unrelenting focus…. but of sheer sadness.

The physical exhaust; not of lust…. but of depression.

The upholding; not to lofty heights….but when the ground is absent.

The hand squeezes; not confirming secrets… but in warning or recognition of the pain that is either coming or going.

The tears; not the hot ones in irrational fear of the loss of something abstract… but the cold, resigned, ones, shed upon that which is already gone.

The insomnia; not of a racing heart, but a stumbling spirit.

The lack of appetite; not from being emotionally overfed, but from a disinterest in the pettiness of the physical.

The infatuation; not with he who you’ve elevated with unrealistic expectation, but for he who has trudged his way to the top of your pedestal.

Life will never be fair, transparent or forthright. It’s just not in its nature. Nor am I foolish enough to foster such expectations. Loss, death, and pain – they are the inevitable valleys of the mountains I’ve chosen to climb. I get that. And shake hands, respectably, with life still. Yet as I surface, now, from tragedy, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m experiencing all the symptoms of a romance hangover. And I’m left with the hazy, bewildered, guess, that be it a partner (in which case it is for me) or Life itself, there is as much intimacy in sharing loss, as in sharing love.

 

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things back in swing….

swing

Shamefully, I had to be notified by a reader that solbeam.com was down. And it turned out to be a bit of mystery where my site was exactly hosted (and another if it continued to exist). Breath was held. And breath, recently, was released. Though as I poke around, I see there are plenty of quirky critters in the corners (never mind the dust!). (If you bump into errors, please let me know.) And speaking of cobwebby corners, I just found a drawer full of unread letters in my Facebook so-called “other” folder. One of them read, “I had no idea you had a child and family now!”  Now would I have deserted solbeam.com for just anyone?  Look at that face on the swing. Can you blame me?  Excuses aside, I’m contemplating a cameo return to my own production (if that’s possible). Short and sweet stuff. That can fit in between the teeth of managing a full time job, toddler, and household. It probably won’t be worth reading. But it might be worth writing. (If you blog/write, you get the distinction.) I’m rather skilled at catching flying noodles these days.  Perhaps I’ll be able to snatch an interesting thought or two (that seem to fly by at the same speed as chucked pasta) and get them to stick to the wall of this site. No promises. If having a toddler has taught me anything in life, it’s how to shrug my shoulders, give up, and smile.

 

 

 

 

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a wedding blessing

MY MARRIAGE IS THE COUNTRY I return to between all the others; where I rest, recover, reflect, re-live, and rejoice. My husband is my travel journal; that beat up, worn leather thing with all the dried flowers and ticket stubs falling out of it. May a sense of home, enclosed by arms, and a leather-bound love, always be with you.

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life asanas

Ladakhi Childrens’ Drawings of “Home”

BY ALL APPEARANCES, my backpack is stiff with stagnancy. But my absence belies. For all the spiritual journeys and cross-road training I imagined myself on in my 20’s – I now get that it’s all training-wheels. Just as my frequent flier miles have incidentally bumped me to first class this year – so have the mantras and world views accumulated from my travels in the East resurfaced with ready rigor now that I find myself on the razor’s edge of experiential understandings of life and death. Friends, do not play off your travels as youthful whims. The mental muscles and spiritual flexibility exercised and earned will prepare you for the inevitable life asanas that no yogi, no matter how recluse, can escape.

To all those that donate blood and platelets – I want you to know that I think about you. I wonder what your motivations were. Did you once spend nights in ER rooms like me? Watching your father wither in delirious discomfort knowing that the only thing keeping all those terrible hospital monitors beeping is that maroon bag of blood seeping another few weeks of life back into his marrow? I think about you. And I thank you. For the bonus birthday party. For the extra egg-hunt. For one more trip to the beach or the Bonneville dam to watch the spring season of salmon swim up riverbed stairs.

All the while, new life in my belly kicks reminders that he is here, and he wants stories; especially those behind my tears. And so I whisper to him about the cycle of death and life – and of the fairness of it all. My words are as much a comfort to myself as to the spirit that chose me, my body and my path, to ride into this world. He understands, as all those closer to the spirit world do. And he knows, just as he starts turning cartwheels like clockwork when his father walks in the door and immediately makes his mother do the one thing she does better than anything else: laugh. Belly laughs, belly babies, and belly-talking dads, go well together.  How grateful I am to this 6-month old spirit for the balance he’s already brought to my life. I had my suspicions, and now I get to learn the fact for myself. It’s easier. Putting others before yourself. Putting the exhaust of self-centeredness to rest. My first lesson in motherhood.

China last week. Oregon this week. Costa Rica next week. And Mexico the following. I thought getting married would slow me down. Then I thought, surely, pregnancy would. I could say baby would – but those would be poor odds, now, wouldn’t they?

Writing is healing for me. It’s also composting, seeding and harvesting for me. It’s spring – and my gardens need tilling. Can’t promise you that I’m not talking about my real gardens and not the metaphorical writing one. But I’ll try my best to attend to both. ;)

sol

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retired is my aching

Past are the afternoons scribbling in journals on wooden docks floating between home and away.

Silenced are the nagging questions of my 20’s as to my exact being, purpose, and fate.

Retreated has the wave of life overwhelm that I used to feel ever sneaking up behind my back.

And taken are the pictures of sunsets, flowers and friends met along the way.

Surprised am I, with the realization that silence, grounding, home and routine are words for which I now have affinity.

The elders snicker. They kept their little joke. As it was kept from them.
Knowing the most lucid in life – comes always by surprise. And not denying me that pleasure.

If there is anything that I have learned from Life, it’s that it has a sophisticated sense of humor.
Only Life can pull off, without mean-spiritedness, the expert use of irony, pun, and satire.
With the effect of leaving me shaking in simultaneous tears and laughter.
After all, those are the moments,
Where I feel my heart beating, in my feet, and in rhythm,
With something greater.

Missing are the sentences of explanation within my paragraphs.
Dissipated is my ambition to be distinguished.
Quelled is my fire to move.

Yesterday I stood on top of a small mountain and cried at the perfect sound of the last golden aspen leaves applauding in the wind.
Today, I stood on top of the same small mountain and grabbed the mulch of the fallen and breathed deeply of its decomposing musk,
Sending me to the profound underworlds of memories unknown.

Alive is my ability to tremble with raw beauty’s stab at my soul.
Engaged is my appreciation for every breath of life I’m awarded.
Curious is my spirit for the sighting of all that moves when one is still.

This month, I quit half my job: the “stressful half” I tell people.
Last night, I recorded six subsequent dreams in my journal.
More than all the dreams I recorded in the entire year prior.

This year I lost two friends, my own age, to cancer.
I feel them close. At the top of the mountain.

I’ve spent 6 of the last 7 months travelling.
But said are all my sentences in summing up my travels.
Uninterested am I in talking about myself.
Please don’t make me. I find myself constantly pleading.

The weather, today, calls for snow.
And I will keep my eye on the horizon. Waiting.
I will hike up the mountain again. And even though it’s cold, I will take off my sweater.
To feel the bitterness of the wind on my skin.
And when the snow comes, I will welcome the blanket of quiet,
Mirroring that of my retired aching.

Three times this week, I’ve sat with time, coffee, and stalled fingers over my keyboard.
But nothing came.
Confused is my instinct on where to begin.

Last night I fell asleep at 9.
This morning I woke at 5.
And clear was the voice that whispered,
Just begin where you are.

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cover-to-cover

Hands down. Cover to cover. My favorite monthly read.

Independent & Ad-free.

“From its idealistic, unlikely inception in 1974 to its current incarnation as a nonprofit magazine with more than 70,000 subscribers, The Sun has attempted to marry the personal and political; to honor the genuine and the spiritual; to see what kind of roommates beauty and truth can be; and to show that powerful teaching can be found in the lives of ordinary people.” - About The Sun

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