to wake up wondering

the cow outside my window (in the village of Kanda, Uttrakhand)

Oh. Creaky, rusty fingers. Of which I would prefer to point at the Himalayan monsoons in blame.  But really, we all know, the real culprit is disuse.

Blog content comes to me like the first bubble on the bottom of a pan being watched for boil. I wait. And then there’s this tiny thought. And I stare at it. And recognize that there might be something there. But if I get impatient, distracted, and walk away to water a wilted plant, turn another page into the next chapter on my book, or remember an online bill that I have to pay today – well then the pot boils down behind my back. And even if I remember it, and run back, I find myself scratching my head over my initial intended use.  What was it I was, again, I was watching or waiting for?

On the other hand, if I focus, meditate really, on that first bubble. (And it is not easy.) If I put aside the natural ADD of the mundane world and really WATCH that bubble. Then before I know it, there’s another by its side. And then the whole bottom of the pan has suddenly multiplied with these tiny, disorganized but themed dots of thought. And that’s exactly the moment when I need to grab a pen or saddle into my keyboard. For a moment too late, and it’s still all steamed away.

So this the first bubble spotted on my bottom of my unboiled thought: “I wonder how these sheets were dried?”

A little context:

I’ve flown for 14 hours and two days into the future and landed in the ever-dusky city of Delhi. Delirious with time travel, I tip out the taxi driver, uncurl my stiff Hindi tongue and hand over my passport to the hotel manager. Without a fight, I allow a boy to take my bag and show me to my room, collapse into bed, dissolve a melatonin pill under my tongue, and black out with the night.

When I awake, this is my first though: “I wonder how these sheets were dried?”

They smell clean.  And they are absolutely crisp. For everything, always, is pressed in India. (Even my socks are returned to me with pleats.) The hot iron, however, usually erases the story. Bleaches all sheets equal. But still I’m left smelling and wondering of the industry that dried my sheets. Was it sent to a dhobi (laundry man) as I do myself when I’m settled locally? Did he roll it up in a bundle and tie it to the back of his bike, and return it two days later, with a whistle at the door? Was it dried on a roof in this monsoon, but sweltering hot, season? Did it flutter in the fog and pollution of the city before an iron pressed the history out of it? Or was it stuffed into the people-machine of a newer urban underground industry? In this fancy, developed, city – was it actually tumbled in a dryer? I’ve heard rumors of them existing, but still never seen one in India.

Wait a minute.

Have I ever, once, woken up in hotel or bed at “home” and had an entire mental discourse on my sheets? Have I ever done more that kick them aside?

Ah yes. This is why I travel. To do less. Or more. Than just assume and kick aside. To feel the texture. To inhale deeply. To task my imagination. And to question.

To wake up wondering.

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stretched

For those of you worried, please don’t.

Writing, meditating, metaphor-chasing, psychoanalyzing – they are my ways of unwinding a tangled life. Yet my life hasn’t many knots in it these days. It’s blissfully simple. I used to love to pull out my tarot cards and do a quick reading. My eyes still occasionally fall upon the deck, but I flinch at the old adventures of digging into the past, etching at the future, and scratching for the surreal. My eyes flee from the deck as they do most things that threaten to steal me from the surprises of the present moment.

This is the happiest year of my existence – possibly my life. I’m certain there are knots and tangles ahead. And I’ll save all my trusty means of metaphor-seeking for assistance through those inevitable life trials and travels. For now, I’m resting in the shade of the tree I myself planted. For in the front of every travel journal I ever took abroad, starting with the first I took to Guatemala now nine years ago, I printed the following poem by Kahlil Gibran….

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

I’ll be on the road again soon, with upcoming adventures in India, Indonesia, and possibly Cambodia. And I have a new camera to find and tell more stories. I’ll be gone for longer than I’m comfortable, but I wake every morning and take account of the blessings in my life that allow for me to be so delicately stretched (not severed) between two worlds and loves.

A few recent stories from the “stitch” of my new Sony Alpha Nex-5

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a spice story board

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My boyfriend built me a spice rack this weekend.

Not just your standard turntable or ledge, but a triple-deck vertical tower on tracks that slide cooking arsenal right into the casual reach of your left hand while the right, at the same time, can conveniently keep stirring, chopping, firing or flipping.

It’s beautiful. And at first glance my sentimental pinch was the memory of moving into this house: As a fitting right of passage, we spent the first three days touching every ledge, every corner, every sill and unfortunately even some spots on the floor of our new old house – with a fresh coat of paint. And on the fourth day, I opened up our empty cupboards and decided it was time to go to the market.

The spice isle – however, is no place for budgets. Especially for a girl who always opts organic. And as I held the pretty glass bottles in my hands while coveting the entire shelf – I irresponsibly decided it was worth the purchase on credit and impulsively selected my top seven. For some girls it’s shoes. For me, it’s spices. When I got home, I proudly lined the seven glass bottles up on a bare shelf. While they indeed, looked rather lonely, I was totally content. And I swatted away the day-dreamed vision of a one-day full shelf — it was simply too far into an unseen future to try to squint at.

“Look babe!” he shouts. And he has chosen the right girl for his heart, for I swoon for the sliding piece of art that he demonstrates. Our eyes meet, and no discussion is needed, as we both reach for the old shelf that once held only seven. As he begins grabbing fists full of clanking green, yellow and orange glass bottles – and hands them down to me – we begin lining them up according to favorites and frequency of use. The rack quickly fills and we’re left, still, with a pile on the ground. Doubles! And time and money hidden in the recesses of overlooked excess. Oh well. We store the duplicates back into the cupboard where they can wait their time and then turn our attention to marvel at our, now complete, creation.

My guy, ever the artist, is always more interested in the process than the result – and his ADD quickly moves him elsewhere. Yet I continue standing stalled in wonder. And suddenly I realize that I am overwhelmed with an enormous amount of emotion. Too much for a simple spice rack! Am I overlooking something here?

And so I look closer…

First, there is always garlic; number one on the shelf in its sea-rock-salt and organic cilantro variation. And I remember when I actually peeled my first garlic bulb, in Guatemala – where I learned the trick to the proper heat in Guacamole comes not from pepper, but three crushed cloves for every one avocado. (And don’t you dare forget to leave the seed in the spread to keep it from going brown.) Since then I have never less than tripled the call for cloves in any and every recipe calling for the ingredient. I also remember my Ladahki Himalayan guide, Rigzin-ji, offering me a raw slice to keep the parasites at bay and health as high as the attitude to which we were escalating. We’d chew fast, swallow whole, and snicker as our student group ducked from the aim of our laughing fire. And then there is also the day this summer that one of my best friends and I spent working at our local CSA; digging up the bulbs planted nine months prior – and giving good but ugly attempts at braiding their soft stems into something to catch the eye of shoppers at the farmers market.

Ginger, in its powdered form, is intentionally neglected. But I remember my first root – at a Buddhist retreat center, where hot ginger lemon tea was the only distraction allowed from the observance of our minds. What a holy relief it was – to marvel in the human luxury of taste, when your brain was put to the task of judging everything else equanimous. To Ginger, I will always be indebted.

Basil, a bottle also growing old in un-use. Basil was my first window-sill herb; a single plant, picked up totally on whim, as I was leaving the grocery store about five years ago. I put the tiny stem with only a few leaves in the sun of my kitchen window. And I could not believe, that ALL it wanted of me was a little water and that sunny sill. In return, I could pull off a leaf or (even) two a day – to toss in my omelet, sandwich or salad. When I left for India – I called my best friend and asked for her to pick it up and love it like I had. When she confessed, a year later, that she had forgotten to get it when I left, and picked it up, weeks later, dead – I almost punched her in the face and then fought the urge to cry. Who knew that such a tiny plant could become my “giving tree” of the famous storybook? And I am still grateful, for the seed of love that basil plant sowed in me, which has since, grown into the greenhouse and window sills now hosting, among much more, 4th generation basil grandchildren.

Cinnamon. For the purpose of how many teas and stews, from Senegal to India, have I used motar and pestle to crush these spicy, sweet sticks as the offhanded task by host mothers trying to keep me busy while they chatted off my ear in languages I was struggling to grasp? The slow building of these rock-relationships warmed me even more than the hot tea.

Braggs. Okay. Not a spice. But an amino acid quite directly attached to the six months of my life devoted to the political, health, environmental and spiritual experience and study of Veganism. It was living in the Planet Drum volunteer house, on the coast of Ecuador – where I smashed cacao fruit seeds into the paste of vegan chocolate and learned the delicious joys of Brewers yeast, Braggs and the other best friends of all vegans and the uber food conscious.

Toasted sesame oil. Which to me is exactly the taste of my short English teaching stint in South Korea. Which leads me down the trail of a fail-less giggle, in the memory of an assigned task to a group of 6th graders to draw their favorite food – and them each, in a row, standing up and proudly demonstrating the unanimous favorite: the fermented red cabbage, Kim Chi.

A bottle of bay leaves; a single one remaining – that will soon, like the others, be tossed into an Indian stew in the pressure cooker – whose screaming hissing used to send me running to the far edge of kitchens. Now, with Indian second nature, I confidently tap with my wooden spoon to release the steam while sending our dogs and cats into retreats under beds and outdoors.

Lemongrass. Occasionally put into a green or yellow curry – but let’s face it: Thai food in Thailand can simply never be replicated. And then there is the lemongrass tea that I will always remember as the drink of my desert. After spending 12 hours wandering with the spirits in the sacred Vilcabamba Valley on the cactus juice of San Pedro — being parched from having traveled the life cycle of a water droplet till the shaman chanted and dropped a sunrise of lucidity back upon earthly life — it was lemon grass tea that brought the grass back under my feet.

Turmeric. More medicine (in India) than spice, healing the joint pains of a sister, but whose miracles I haven’t yet directly discovered myself aside from the flavor of my lentils and the yellow stain on my cutting boards, finger nails and unluckier items of clothing marking the memory of house-warming dinners past.

Rosemary. Poor rosemary. Our first plant was sacrificed to the spider mites – before we looked closely enough to realize that you don’t have to be big to have bite. Poor rosemary sits, now, composting over my wooden gate – while another, started from seed, took a slow three months to sprout and still doesn’t look overly eager for the task of growing. In the meantime, a glass bottle of delicious needles tends to our sweet potato root roasts while we patiently await your eventual maturity into a season of giving.

Cayenne pepper. We tend to abuse you on our attempts at Thai. And then there is our pepper plant, upon which now hangs at least 50 peppers in shades of green, purple and red. Yet remaining a dangerous mystery is your hierarchy: who is more powerful, the 4 inch green ones? Or the 1-inch red ones? Or the 2-inch purple ones? Showing no consistency would, now that I think about, be quite in line with the character of this fiery-tempered plant. So we use the glass bottle when we don’t want surprises and we pull from the plant if we’ve already had a glass of wine or two.

Pepper-All Seasoning: this is the Mac & Cheese of my spices; the ultimate in comfort food! Stolen directly from my Dad’s spice rack – this old standby got me through college on micro-waved potatoes (gross) and still blackens an occasional wild salmon today (delicious). When my dad stocks up – he always does so in multiples of 4 – including one for each of his children for the one that will remain when the rest are stolen from his house.

Mustard seed: I never use. But the rural Indian village to where my mind and body always wander when my most vivid memories are sent to pasture – is one that swims in a sea of yellow mustard fields where we take shade under mango trees while sucking on the stalks of sugar cane. In mustard seeds too, there is, one of my Indian host mothers heating up her pot full of sizzling mustard seed oil, till she tosses in some seeds whose precise cackle tells her if and when it’s ready for the onions. I still don’t speak the language of boiling oil – but will be forever mystified by this Indian woman fluency.

I haven’t yet even spoken of Cumin, Garam Masala, Nutmeg, Pepper, Cardamom, Clove or Cilantro (Oh Cilantro!). But maybe now you see, as I did, how this display of spices put together a storyboard of memories worth a wet eye of appreciation and love for the people and places that have flavored my life.

Amen.

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#8 on the list

On the “when I settle list” (which I started about 7 years ago), right between the (crossed-off) items of, “window sill herb garden,” and “adopted cat,” I have, “book club.” And, regardless of how domestic the agenda may seem, I’ve got no shame in hosting gatherings of quality people and literature exploring the themes of our lives through the chapters and mirrors of others.

Just wanted to share a few of my favorite titles read in the last few months…..

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i’d rather walk…

This is the third time this week that I’ve sat down to write, and then decided.

I’d just rather walk.

Every spiritual guide and clairvoyant I’ve ever encountered has told me this: you live too much in your head. I believe this blog to be evidence of that fact; the ruckus of clambering thoughts channeling through their own medium.

But on my walk, I am left only to listen.

The sound of the creek I know will equally approach me, as I it, at the bend in the road. The rusty-rich waft of decomposing layers of last fall’s leaves, reliably escape through a pocket of collapsing snow, rising to meet me in a vivid reminder of the season past and to come again. There is a story, in the earthy brown eyes of the aspens, that reveals itself only if my imagination is set free to wander. Newly naked bird nests, dolloped each with a foot of fresh powder, shock me with the secrets held from me by the trees of which I walked unaware, each day, under. The missing footprints marking where the heard of elk clearly took flight over the fence. Their musk sending my black lab into a frenzy, from which she returns from circles, with a determined snort of the snow off her black nose. And the only sound that echos, is that of my resulting laughter.

Having spent so many years, neck to neck, and thus in stillness with the speed of the seasons, it is dizzying to have stopped allowing them, now, to wash over me. On my last flight from India, I rebelliously refused to shut my window at the attendant’s kind request. Instead I fogged up the tiny window with the breath of my awe at the continents of land masses, passing quietly beneath me. But I’ve always looked out the window. Why is it different now? An insightful friend chuckled knowingly, “because now you have a home.”

And isn’t that a concept!? That I travelled lightly not for leaving my heavier books and boots, but for having left my sense of home behind! Or perhaps that I rather carried it with me. Some internal locus, which left the compass spinning, not out of control, but rather like a clock. Simply making its way around. Pointing to nothing in particular, evidencing, over time, nothing but a center.

I have a home? I suppose I have a place that comes to me, and not I to it. I have a place in which I’d rather not talk, but listen. I have a finish line with time, in which I’ve quit, and let the colors, visions and scent of seasons blissfully overwhelm me. The needle on my compass now leaves hesitantly, returns eagerly. Hum. Yes. I have a home.

And I have a quiet walk. With a path in whose subtle changes I take immense delight in discovering. Maybe I’ve run out of some words. Maybe I’ve always needed shorter sentences. Maybe my season of listening is simply upon me. There’s a peace in this. And it is welcomed.

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I am…

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Hi friends, sorry for the absence. I’ve, typically, be overloaded with both social and work engagements and now am equally busy back in India again. As my plane rides to India are ever loaded with writing content, I’ve yet only to compose. In the meantime, please accept the following which was in response to the writing prompt: When did you “grow up”?

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At age 22, I was doing a lot of “grown-up” things; putting in 60-hour work weeks, making timely payments on my student loans, securing health insurance benefits, upholding loyal and loving relationships with friends, family and a partner, managing a stock portfolio where I was investing substantial savings, filing my taxes, early, without the help of parents or accountants, and managing the overall and on-time upkeep of a healthy household, body and life. But there were more question marks than periods in my life; not multiple-choice questions, but opened-ended statements reduced to the common denominator of:

I am…

It was a relentless self-inquiry; the blank drawing longer and the question only spinning more furiously with each book I pulled off the metaphysics shelf. Finally I put the books down. Put everything down. Realizing that I would find none of my answers in their conclusions and that these were chapters only I could write.

My parents cringed as I put their interpretation of “growing up” on hold: deferring my student loans, quitting my job, losing my insurances, saying open-ended goodbyes to all those with whom I’d formed attachments, and liquefying all my assets and savings into one chunk of an easy-access cash account. What was left fit easily into my backpack.

As the reader might, I too thought I knew where this was going: six months, a year at the most, following my every whim and fancy, at the end of which I would have found the answer to my question.

Yes. Yes, there were many wooden docks off of lakes and leading into oceans, on which I sat beneath midnight skies and pondered a philosophy that paralleled the blanket of night to my surface experiences, through which only my most minuscule of life understandings had yet penetrated the depths of my unknowns as stars.

No. A year of pondering the darkness was not enough. It’s taken me many years to come to peace with, and self respect, the fact that I am a slow learner. And I may have left my grown-up tasks behind, but I did not leave my sense of responsibility for being thorough. Had I been quicker, perhaps my quest could have been confined to a year or less, but as that was not my nature, my earthbound pilgrimage found itself extending, re-tracing, doubling over, making multiple evolutions around the earth, past a cumulative total of seven years.

I did, however, find and scribble into pages upon pages of my journal, possible conclusions to that open-ended sentence with which I had set forth.

In Latin America – in Guatemala, Spain, Colombia, Honduras, Costa Rica, Ecuador, Brazil and Peru – countries and cultures for which I admire specifically for their heart and heat for passions of the human spirit and connection to pacha mama, or mother earth, I felt confidence and pride in my completion of that sentence with: Seeker. Woman. Dancer. American. Student. Scuba diver. Volunteer. Lover. Writer. Human. Spiritualist. Photographer. Pilgrim. Dreamer. Foreigner. Alchemist. Explorer. Magician.

Yet then I carried that same journal to South Asia – to India, Nepal, Tibet and India (again and again) – countries and cultures whose affinity for cyclical existence and non-attachment, to a merely earthly existence, brought enormous peace in their rational arguments for that which I had always intuitively suspected, but could not lineate into logical sense. And thus I returned to my question, reviewed all that I had contrived to fit under my umbrella of ego, and erased it. And with a huge sigh of relief, I drafted a new conclusion to that sentence: Nothing. Emptiness. Silence. Service to others. One life of many. One cell of a much greater organism. One tiny drop of evolution’s sweat. One miniscule being with the same opportunities, as any other, of taking delight in the chances of witnessing moments of beauty and light, afforded us each, in a mysterious blessing of life.

While these conclusions matured me, I still didn’t feel “grown-up.” Quite the contrary; I felt smaller than ever! But I was content enough with my vague answers to begin the search for my life vocation. “Vocation,” not so much as it is defined as an occupation or profession, but as the term was refined by Frederick Buechner as, “the place where your great gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.”

Of course, my intentions at the time were hardly so eloquently realized, and I believe it was only by divinely-orchestrated chance that I stumbled right upon exactly such a thing. That “thing” was the field of Experiential Education. For those new, as I was, to the term, it means structuring education so as to engage the learner into taking the initiative in the investigation, experimentation, digestion and reflection of direct experiences with the aim of learning natural consequences, mistakes and successes with ownership and authenticity. Logistically, this meant that my new job was taking small groups of teenagers for three-month learning adventures in the developing world: Fiji, Guatemala, Nepal and India.

It was one day, on exactly one of these assignments that something shifted.

We had just arrived, after 27-hours in transit, at the airport in New Delhi, and the disheveled looks of my student group accurately reflected the distance around the world traveled: A girl, who had inadvertently fasted from food for two days in anxiousness, was still white from fainting in the aisle of the plane on the way to the toilet. A boy was slurring run-on sentences in residue of the miscalculation of the timing of sleeping medications prescribed to him for the plane. Still another student had a stack of vomit bags tucked under her arm, of which she’d already used two. The quivering, perspiring, group of overstuffed backpacks, like a line of awkward ducklings, followed my step, too closely and without any awareness outside of the feet in front of them, through the airport. As we filed through the air-conditioned and last reservoir of the First-World familiarity of the international airport, past the heavily armed guards, and out the double doors of the airport’s first line of security, the group was smacked simultaneously with the full force of India’s chocking humidity, shouting taxi driver mob, and dizzyingly dark swarms of mosquitoes.

With a soft and straight pace, I led the group through the crowd and to a clearing in the parking lot. There I directed them each to drop their heavy bags and cinch the circle in until it was safely airtight of the foreign chaos around us. Intentionally modeling a moment of unhurried presence, I slowly made my eye-contact way around the circle, riding the highs and lows of their roller coaster of emotions:

Shock. Elation. Curiosity. Fear. Excitement. Regret. Trepidation. Courage. Confidence. Illness. Disbelief. Awe.

And it was at this moment that I, for the first time, realized that I was elated by their excitement, aghast in their shock, knew their fear intimately, and admired their courage – more than my own.  I also saw their questions; many variations of the same open-ended one that had morphed intp so many continental directions for me. But it was no longer about the answers; theirs or mine. I only saw in each student a unique path that was just as in need of mentorship, as it was well-timed moments of silence.

And something shifted.

It was no longer about my search for meaning and identity. My joy in life and the world’s need met.

I felt I had suddenly stumbled upon a very important clue as to why human beings procreate: for exactly this reality-shifting realization – (and enormous relief!) – that it is simply no longer about me.

Somewhere along that rollercoaster of faces and emotions, I had traversed to the other side and got off my own life’s ride – as  much of an adult as I think I’ll ever grow up to be.

And the, “I am…” trailed from a heavy sigh off into silence:

Content, simply, in its empathetic open-endedness.

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ink spots

I push myself up from my writing recliner and drag my finger across a row of travel journals. Tap a finger on my lower lip. Walk over to my work desk and drag the same finger across another row.

Chewed up purple Nepali homemade binding; I angle it out and ponder the hand painted elephant and cow atop each other on the cover. I can’t remember my exact reasoning at the time for choosing the blank pages of this particular yet-unwritten book, but feel now that purple is too chemical a color for my Dolpa memories — which are all strictly scripted in high-altitude grays and blues. And while the experience was as heavy and sacred as the beasts on the cover, at 15,000 feet these animals would be as mythical to those looking down, as we at lower-elevations consider the gods when looking up. No. The choice of journal was all wrong; saying something also of my miscalculated expectations of the journey. The latter, I’m sure, the very reason that I now remember one particular day on that trip as the most reality-quaking of my travels.

It’s for this day that the same finger that dragged across my bookshelf now searches in the tattered purple journal.

I come across a page splattered with large bleeding holes of black ink and the quip, “did you know that pens explode at 14,000 feet?!”

I laugh just as much at the comment itself as at the fact that I had correctly guessed that my future self would find this self-delivered jest, one day, funny.

I scan my thin and weak scribbles and suddenly sympathize with the exhaust evidenced by the simple bullet points that I hadn’t the energy to even expand upon.

I return to the top of the page and see in the corner that I’ve documented only:

June 7th
Santa
11 hours trekking
14,000 feet

I return to the bullet points – some so faint and foreign that I can’t remember the associations of things I clearly thought would burn in my permanent memory so deeply that I’d only need a single term or phrase of prompting. And for those lost associations, I feel a bit of sadness: does a memory cease to exist if it’s not remembered?

Then I read a note that sends my head back in a fit of laughter.

In the bullet-pointed memory, KT, also known as Sangheeta in this story, is looking at me blankly. Her cheeks are scalded red by the high altitude sun and wind. Her face is still covered in dirt from when, at the top of a 15,000 foot pass, a supposed dinn-powered whirlwind attacked her before being chased off with protection mantras and a few well-aimed stones by our Tibetan guide.

It’s with these eyes, black like the bleeding ink of my exploded pen, that KT turns to me after taking slow account of our surroundings:

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A little frightened, I touch her arm and tell her, “KT, I just want you to know that this is the most culturally shocking place I have ever witnessed in my 7-years of travel.”

To this, she turns around and shows almost no reaction. Then she scans our surroundings again and comments, “No. I think I’ve seen this before.” She concludes her sentence in straight-faced shock, “on National Geographic.”

It’s the altitude and the exhaust and the absolute absurdity of where we’ve found ourselves that suddenly sends us, with this serious comment, into high-altitude hysterics. Her tears of laughter clear tiny pink streaks down her face and, in a place where there are no mirrors except for the face in front of yours, I am left forever wondering if mine have done the same.

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the echo from my bathroom in kathmandu

Coming into our shared guestroom with my ears still ringing from the blaring horns and yelling hawkers of busy Kathmandu streets, it echos from the bathroom….

Arms full of groceries, closing the front door of my mountain house with a handy foot, it wafts up to me from the greenhouse…

Wandering into the coffee shop, where she’s scheduled for a Sunday night session, on the very first day where a best-friendship was born, it bounces off the corners of a small room….

On 15,000 foot mountain passes, high and teary eyed with altitude sickness, it reflects off of high altitude desert walls…

Outside of a bus on a broken rural road waiting for a driver who we aren’t sure exists, it lifts a few weary travellers’ spirits…

With tears in her eyes, testifying to the universal truths of hearts, broken or free…

From bathrooms (her favorite sound studio) and greenhouses and coffee houses and mountain homes and passes,

Please enter my world and hear the bathroom echo and voice that never fails to water my eyes with respect, love, empathy and joy….

The Boxcar Daisies

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